2009

2009...had its ups and downs. started out with heart ache and kinda dribbled on tell summer, summer summer summer it was a time of reflecting i,i wonder sometimes if i should stop doing that for my sake and everyone else in a 50 mile radios of me. nothing good comes from it i kinda figured out how to grow up.in every way i feel this last year if nothing else i grew,a lot. i found what i needed to keep me driving and how to be happy by my self. and i found the beauty in genuine good amazing people.not back stabbing two faced ling heartless pricks. love love love. despite my resent girl friend and overall life problems I've come out good,for one reason. miss Elise,shes my loving friend inspiration and the biggest blessing i never saw coming. its been amazing full of memoirs and life changing moments. now lets see if 2010 can top it.tbc

on my mind

lately I've been contemplating the idea of lonely being a loner and family. i guess one's opinion is a lot to it. most of the time i never consider myself alone. no one really keeps up with me and slows down with me. but that's not a bad thing i mean no one will ever really understand what goes on in my head. i enjoy company and spending time with my friends but at the end of the day. I'm still sleeping alone still eating alone still left with my thoughts and unexpected urges to run around my neighborhood like a wild man. i use to find being called weird an insult. as if being me was something to be ashamed of. but as i grew older i found it to be a complement,kind of a your one of a kind and you don't care what people think. I've never listened to the people that told me to stay inside the lines. i find life not something to experience but I'm something for life to experience. i guess this is a mental figuring out that my new quest is to find and surround myself with people that help me be me.



i want to start filming life. idk I'm prob way to old to start something like a hobby but idk I've always secretly wanted to have a camera and film. i guess its a journey I'm planing on taking before i die.

so i leave u with this...live life and don't look back,cuz looking back only slows u down.

Edge of Desire

come in sit down
this may take a wile
but i know you get in
you get done
then get gone
now whats wrong?
cant help but fake strong
no where to run,this time
lonely was the song
I sang til the day you came
u changed everything
showing me another way to be happy
finding the real meaning
like a blinding light
you opened up my eyes
to what holds me
to what i need
you and only you complete me
dream of ways
to make you understand
clouds of sulfur in the air
bombs are falling everywhere
the smell of war is here
i don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
let's just just fix this whole thing now
i swear to God we're going to get it right
if you put your weapon down
one last thing
for all of my trying
we still end up dying
how can it be
just open your arms and set me free
your the only thing i wanna see
I'm scared you'll forget about me
you say that will never be
but life's complicated
and always unexpected
here's my heart
just take it
i don't need it
it stopped beating
the moment you found me

with the time on my hands.

in timely fashion a time in my life has come to reflect and kinda stew in my past and mistakes. bringing up old feelings and old pain but more to be dealt with not to cauz probs. i have a lot of things i wish i could say to a lot of people and its hard holding on to that for a wile. writing is the only thing keeping me going at this point. i don't talk about it and i think that's a big reason my poems don't reflect my mood of life as it is. but its been amazing to step back and see whats coming of all this. who knows whats left in me or my life for that matter,i never like to put limits on myself but on the other hand i cant help hold myself to standers most people will never understand. making this step in my life is just that a step going forward moving on,leaving the old and past as they stand being the old and in the past. i wouldn't say life's at a crossroads more like a windy road with a lot of fog and pitch black.but i would rather have this than anything else. I've got love,happiness,life and all the existing things yet to be.Life right now is at a good point but good isn't really good enough i know i prob am crazy to go from life's good to life's not just what i want in one line but really.....i remember as a kid dreading a moment in life like....dentist or shots but now i find myself dreading like points in my life yet to come. half of me wonders if its gonna be that bad and that I'm building it up to much and the other half wonders if ill ever recover after. i know this is kinda a novel so if you've gotten this far I'm impressed. good job!! but this is kinda me here and now. today's been kinda hard its getting to the point were i cant be alone with myself anymore its a scary thought one I'm not wanting to think about right now.



i doubt anyone will read this but i hope u kinda know me a little deeper but im just glad to get this off my chest and mind.lol k im outta here.

Edge of Reason

you got me
got me caught off guard
fighting for this
i was blinded
like bombs going off
and bullets flying
like we're caught up in warfare
this heart break is wasted
if you need more love just say so
no need for counter attacks
pull the knife out of my back
if you want more love just say so
good to know its just a game
with disappointment as its name
to you its all the same
how come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
god only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all
come on lay your weapon down
we can figure out a way to fix this
if it takes all night
if it takes the rest of my life
im gonna make this right

life and me

who's to say we cant be happy
the life's we live are connected
with that said I'm still a skeptic
life's full of chances
ones i take the ones i don't
after all we've been through
no act of God can pull me away from you
don't believe the lies you swear are true
there isn't anyone better than you
but chances are we´ll find two destinations
the expectations weigh heavy on me
all the regrets and missed calculations
i cant help but believe
chances lost are hopes torn up pages
maybe this time
i can dream
about when the kids are old enough
we can teach them how to fly
us together anything can be done
you and i
were not tied down
not falling but rising
but with this heavy breath
chances come and carry me
chances are waiting to be taken
chances are we´ll find two destinations
and I can see
chances roll away from me

sunday aug 9th part two

soooo i think dec is my fav month its always been a good one for me but golly i think this tops all of the 18 before on reason and it starts with an E. im pretty sure this is gonna be big how big well only thing left is to wait and watch this happen. im pretty happy well she makes me happy. :)


side note footballs over for me im done bought the t-shirt sold it bought it again and gave it away...lol but im alum now makes me feel super old...idk i think its going to be a good change...but for all the avid readers of my blog....Elise you are awesome!!lol


o and side not two....................................................................smells like christmas is comeing *DANCE BREAK* o yeah o yeah presents what what egg nog what what fat guys what what red noses!! k im done WHAT????? holla