2009

2009...had its ups and downs. started out with heart ache and kinda dribbled on tell summer, summer summer summer it was a time of reflecting i,i wonder sometimes if i should stop doing that for my sake and everyone else in a 50 mile radios of me. nothing good comes from it i kinda figured out how to grow up.in every way i feel this last year if nothing else i grew,a lot. i found what i needed to keep me driving and how to be happy by my self. and i found the beauty in genuine good amazing people.not back stabbing two faced ling heartless pricks. love love love. despite my resent girl friend and overall life problems I've come out good,for one reason. miss Elise,shes my loving friend inspiration and the biggest blessing i never saw coming. its been amazing full of memoirs and life changing moments. now lets see if 2010 can top it.tbc

on my mind

lately I've been contemplating the idea of lonely being a loner and family. i guess one's opinion is a lot to it. most of the time i never consider myself alone. no one really keeps up with me and slows down with me. but that's not a bad thing i mean no one will ever really understand what goes on in my head. i enjoy company and spending time with my friends but at the end of the day. I'm still sleeping alone still eating alone still left with my thoughts and unexpected urges to run around my neighborhood like a wild man. i use to find being called weird an insult. as if being me was something to be ashamed of. but as i grew older i found it to be a complement,kind of a your one of a kind and you don't care what people think. I've never listened to the people that told me to stay inside the lines. i find life not something to experience but I'm something for life to experience. i guess this is a mental figuring out that my new quest is to find and surround myself with people that help me be me.



i want to start filming life. idk I'm prob way to old to start something like a hobby but idk I've always secretly wanted to have a camera and film. i guess its a journey I'm planing on taking before i die.

so i leave u with this...live life and don't look back,cuz looking back only slows u down.

Edge of Desire

come in sit down
this may take a wile
but i know you get in
you get done
then get gone
now whats wrong?
cant help but fake strong
no where to run,this time
lonely was the song
I sang til the day you came
u changed everything
showing me another way to be happy
finding the real meaning
like a blinding light
you opened up my eyes
to what holds me
to what i need
you and only you complete me
dream of ways
to make you understand
clouds of sulfur in the air
bombs are falling everywhere
the smell of war is here
i don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
let's just just fix this whole thing now
i swear to God we're going to get it right
if you put your weapon down
one last thing
for all of my trying
we still end up dying
how can it be
just open your arms and set me free
your the only thing i wanna see
I'm scared you'll forget about me
you say that will never be
but life's complicated
and always unexpected
here's my heart
just take it
i don't need it
it stopped beating
the moment you found me

with the time on my hands.

in timely fashion a time in my life has come to reflect and kinda stew in my past and mistakes. bringing up old feelings and old pain but more to be dealt with not to cauz probs. i have a lot of things i wish i could say to a lot of people and its hard holding on to that for a wile. writing is the only thing keeping me going at this point. i don't talk about it and i think that's a big reason my poems don't reflect my mood of life as it is. but its been amazing to step back and see whats coming of all this. who knows whats left in me or my life for that matter,i never like to put limits on myself but on the other hand i cant help hold myself to standers most people will never understand. making this step in my life is just that a step going forward moving on,leaving the old and past as they stand being the old and in the past. i wouldn't say life's at a crossroads more like a windy road with a lot of fog and pitch black.but i would rather have this than anything else. I've got love,happiness,life and all the existing things yet to be.Life right now is at a good point but good isn't really good enough i know i prob am crazy to go from life's good to life's not just what i want in one line but really.....i remember as a kid dreading a moment in life like....dentist or shots but now i find myself dreading like points in my life yet to come. half of me wonders if its gonna be that bad and that I'm building it up to much and the other half wonders if ill ever recover after. i know this is kinda a novel so if you've gotten this far I'm impressed. good job!! but this is kinda me here and now. today's been kinda hard its getting to the point were i cant be alone with myself anymore its a scary thought one I'm not wanting to think about right now.



i doubt anyone will read this but i hope u kinda know me a little deeper but im just glad to get this off my chest and mind.lol k im outta here.

Edge of Reason

you got me
got me caught off guard
fighting for this
i was blinded
like bombs going off
and bullets flying
like we're caught up in warfare
this heart break is wasted
if you need more love just say so
no need for counter attacks
pull the knife out of my back
if you want more love just say so
good to know its just a game
with disappointment as its name
to you its all the same
how come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
god only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all
come on lay your weapon down
we can figure out a way to fix this
if it takes all night
if it takes the rest of my life
im gonna make this right

life and me

who's to say we cant be happy
the life's we live are connected
with that said I'm still a skeptic
life's full of chances
ones i take the ones i don't
after all we've been through
no act of God can pull me away from you
don't believe the lies you swear are true
there isn't anyone better than you
but chances are we´ll find two destinations
the expectations weigh heavy on me
all the regrets and missed calculations
i cant help but believe
chances lost are hopes torn up pages
maybe this time
i can dream
about when the kids are old enough
we can teach them how to fly
us together anything can be done
you and i
were not tied down
not falling but rising
but with this heavy breath
chances come and carry me
chances are waiting to be taken
chances are we´ll find two destinations
and I can see
chances roll away from me

sunday aug 9th part two

soooo i think dec is my fav month its always been a good one for me but golly i think this tops all of the 18 before on reason and it starts with an E. im pretty sure this is gonna be big how big well only thing left is to wait and watch this happen. im pretty happy well she makes me happy. :)


side note footballs over for me im done bought the t-shirt sold it bought it again and gave it away...lol but im alum now makes me feel super old...idk i think its going to be a good change...but for all the avid readers of my blog....Elise you are awesome!!lol


o and side not two....................................................................smells like christmas is comeing *DANCE BREAK* o yeah o yeah presents what what egg nog what what fat guys what what red noses!! k im done WHAT????? holla

a moment

Hmmm.....what to wright about if only i had some amazing poetic words for the feeling i have. you know those moments in movies where the every sound but the perfect song cut out and its like a perfect moment. I've always wondered if they were sprung on by the song or the fact its a perfect moment. for me when i find a perfect song for the day it just makes that day unforgettable. i wish sometimes stuff was diff like when it gets bad the sound could just fade away and the music that sets your soul free play and you not have a care in the world but that minute and that person your with. I've joked about hieing someone to walk behind me with a radio playing every minute of every day if only it was that simple. well here's to man inventing something to make life more like amazing movies i would so be down for that.

with hope you stay the amazing person you are
Ethan

crazy

But now my mind is all crazy, crazy, crazy...
They got me thinking i inhuman,
Like I came in from above, above, above...
Feeling like a airplane in the sky
But then they say I'm crazy, crazy, crazy...
They got me thinking i inhuman,
Like I came in from above, above, above...
Feeling like a bird slitting high.


this kinda puts in to words how im feeling right now. idk how to xsplane it the words arnt comeing to me much anymore but maybe you can make since of it all.

so this blog is about months and how its funny how they repeat them self's for me. like DEC that's always be a really good month for me um Aug sooo bad Jan and Feb the worst April through July really good. don't ask me why but its hard to plan for stuff coming at you but you gotta do the best you can. I'm the worst at falling for a certain girl and it kills when it happens. my life is at a really weird place the thing i made my world spin around is leaving and idk whats going to happen. I'm really scared soooooooooooooo scared and its getting worse like a climax and I'm sooo freaked out. just pray for me.

trip to the lake

so the morning of the trip my gf over and broke up with me. so right off the bat the trip was off to a patchy start,but i was on a mission to have fun!!
so with trips to the lake,board,games,movies,x games it was amazing. even tho im bad with break ups i think ill be ok this time and ill make it. thanks for the prayers and thank u elise for reading this ;).


on a side note ive kinda done some soul searching and just medatateing and its done me alot of good im makeing alot of changes and becomeing a better person. im so xsited to see what lifes going to bring and im happy about it. :)

hmm.....

its a quit thing to fall. it sneaks up on u. in everything we do we look to the best out come and pray and hope it works but most the time we never get what we were shooting for. I'm wanting to be a shrink and the craziest thing is I'm the most screwed up person i know. Dating its never worked out for me, but for some reason i keep trying. there is something about me that when a girl gets close she runs from. I'm a very loud and outgoing funny person its because its easy for people to see that and move on. i guess you could say i have a fear of losing people i hate being alone more than anything. only one person has really seen every side of me and has not left,but in a way she is. some people say family they never leave or a good core group of friends is the key and some say being alone is the best way. i haven't figured that out yet. maybe I'm meant to be alone maybe that's what god has planed for my life,but at this point here and now i don't really have a choice. I've hit rock bottom before the difference between then and now is i see it coming.

Lose Change

making a change
i cant help but hang
on every word u say
with the lights fading
and my eyes hazy
my thoughts of you
will be what saves me
i cant help but hold on to you
and make a picnic for two
could u make since of this
riddle of fantasies u call realty
wrap your arms around me and never look back
i just want to make u believe
your the one you'll see
that all your dreams are me

E.O.

trip to STL

so our trip begins with one of the worst crashes I've seen in a very long time right in front of the church. i had to go all the way to republic and go the back way it was SO crazy. after we lever every things going smoothly we get to this pretty cool church i must admit. a lot of colorful people go there it was fun. but anyways we crashed there and started the real reason we came down missions.lol we get are instructions and where were going and i really had no idea what to expect but we ended up on the door step of more than carpenty. after getting a cooler full of water dumped on me(thanks Shawn) we meet Jim the owner. the plan for this amazing ministry was to turn this amazing wear house in to a school/workshop/bible study for guys no one will hire and don't have a way to make money in one of the top twenty poorest towns in USA where the wear house was located. he split us up in to two teams i was on the carry heavy things up stairs for 5 hours team then sweep this 10000 square feet floor. it was on of the most amazing and funnest things I've ever done. :))) we had a lot of stuff go wrong before and on the trip but i realised what we got done was way worth more then anything that got canceled. it was a huge blessing and I'm SO glad i went. :)

TRANCE o how it moves me. :)

So over the years ive deff changed music tast being the biggest. with the help of some pretty amazing friends ive found the music that touches me,moves me. i dont think most people know this but a kinda secret dream of mine is to be a dj. not radio dj but a trance progrisve music maker. with the likes of Armin Van Buurn DJ Tiesto Andy Hunter Paul Van Dyk and Ferry Corsten many more they inspire me. i mean when the style they play duly named trance thats what it does it just sucks u in. If i could sugjest anything to anyone who reads my stuff is to hit up some of the artists ive listed its deff worth the time.

thanks for reading E.O.

SuPerfLY TimE BOmb

hey lush, have fun
it's the weekend
feel free to be what u want
its kinda sad your still not
take care of your friends
because there all you got
don't leave and give up
you'll find its never bad enough
now that times are rough
i wish u weren't worth the wait
because there's some thing's
I'd like to say to you
but i will start new
now that its through
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Just forget me
it's that simple

Everette Orange

Falling Fast In To Your Arms

all around I fall apart
slowly surely I cant stop
all I've torn
all I've run to the ground
its all broken down
can you please help me
help me get thought it
please come mend it all
falling out
falling through
fall apart
and endless cycle once it starts
plan B plan C watch it go
and crumble into broken hopes
days are slipping through my hands like sand
and to make it worse
I've made a mess of this
can you make any sense of this
anything but you is worthless
I'm helpless and your all that's left
and yet you still love me
I'm not worthy

Everette Orange

Chaos

I can’t avoid what I can’t control
I cant plan my next move
it’s hard to trust anyone again,
its hard to even let you in,
after all the let downs I’ve been through
complication is my claim to fame,
I gave this twisted game its name
fighting for something that wont change anything
making my stand
I’m losing ground still I can’t stand down
look in my eyes you'll see the man I am
and I’m screaming out give me help somehow
help me find a way out
I know you stay true when my world is false
even when everything around is breaking down to chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
once everything around is down to chaos

Everette Orange

Jehovah

Jesus Christ
Are you the son of God
I want to know
You ask that I believe
I need you now more then ever
Help me save
Help me love
Help me breath
I fall to my knees
As i fight the feeling I'm a useless need
The faint whispers of a dark voice fills all
Giving in will be the death of me
Fitting in is the mask i wear
I pray for God to come and heal my ears to hear,
To heal my eyes to see
See what you would have of me
I need strength to survive
Jesus Christ
Are you the savior of the world
I want to see
But I still believe
Always believe.

Everette Orange